I want to preface this post by saying that I have been working on this post for about a year, but at the same time these words are raw and make me vulnerable. Please read this with a little kindness in your heart, and remember that every person has some sort of pain in their life.

Growing up, I was happy and bubbly. People always described me as exactly that. My dad would tell everyone I was his daughter who laughed the most. Somewhere along there, in fact I can actually pinpoint the part of my life where I noticed the change, I lost that momentum and found myself spiraling into a depressive state. Day after day this happened. Soon, I admitted to myself that I struggled with depression, and that it wasn't going away. People's descriptions seemed to confuse me because inside I was hurting so bad.

I want to start by saying that depression is not a state of mind; it is an actual chemical imbalance and is out of one's control. The medications for depression help to correct the imbalance. I in no way asked for this, and I would be surprised to find anyone who actually wished for depression. Why would someone want a life time of hurting? They don't, I can promise you that.

The day I went to the doctor was a landmark for me, and it was one of the hardest things for me to do when it comes to depression. The doctor I met with was kind and gentle, and was real with me. He diagnosed me with severe depression and severe anxiety. He put me on medications and said I should be visiting with a therapist regularly. 

I hope that these following words are a sort of help for at least some people - those who deal with depression (that they may know they are not alone), those who love someone with depression (so that they might know how to better help them), or those who may not realize that they have friends with depression (that they might finally understand what is going on and why they behave the way the do sometimes).

You know the commercial that says "depression hurts, Cymbalta can help" or whatever? Until I started dealing with depression, that phrase meant nothing to me. Now, it means everything. Depression really does hurt. Physically, mentally, you name it. It absolutely hurts. 

For me it hurts because people don't understand. They expect you to be happy and it makes it even worse because you physically can't. They expect you to act normal in every moment, but it frustrates you that something is going on inside of you - which is keeping you from doing something normally - and it only makes it worse.

I've learned to appreciate the little things. The good days that make me forget for a couple hours.

I once tried being honest with a family member and they responded by saying I didn't have a hard life. That crushed me. The whole week following I felt so dumb and dark. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that had gone wrong in my life and how someone could say that all those things were easy to go through. And I still believe that a lot of what I have been through would be significantly hard for someone even without depression. But I realized these things were hurting me from the inside, and from the outside perspective, it was just different. Then once again, I felt alone. This family member would never find out that I had depression(until maybe now?), and them telling me my life was easy, shut me down for good. I was, once again, overcome with suicidal thoughts, because of one stupid comment.

Some mornings I lay in my bed and thoughts pop into my brain like "why are you even trying?", "its okay to lay here all day and do nothing", or "they won't even notice if you never get out of bed". The fact that I know I have some people that love me makes a huge difference. I try to remind myself that I have a great husband, family, and friends. But this is no way makes the thoughts go away. It takes praying on my part, and a lot of convincing to get myself out of bed. I have canceled plans with friends because while the day before I am excited for them, the day of I cannot bring myself to be happy for long enough to be with friends. And I know that if I do go, I will bring them down or be boring to be around. Why would a friend want to hang out with me if I'm all mopey?

Some people might not agree, and they might think it is all in your head. But I can personally account for the wonders that medication has done for me. People don't see how real it is because of the mask from social media, medication, and facades. But I believe that medication can help. And after that moment where I finally was able to see a medical doctor instead of living inside my head, I realized its okay to get help. No one should be feeling so dark all the time. I've lived through that and it is rough. I still have really rough days, but I am grateful for the strength I had to get help.

One thing that is so hard to see while in the deepest darkness of depression, is that you are loved. You are loved by a God, by friends, by family, by classmates, and sometimes even by total strangers. There is a light in the deep hole you are living in, but it requires a little climbing to reach it.

Depression is nothing to be ashamed of. Even though that is sometimes hard to see with today's society, I know that I have nothing to be ashamed of. My struggles and turmoils have made me a strong person. Yes, I have depression, but yes I can be successful and live a happy life.

Be happy, and be kind. You never know what people are dealing with, and you never know what a difference your kindness can make.



love,
SK